Friday 03 / January / 2025
As parents, we believe it is our mission to keep our children safe in this world, and more often than not we tend to smother them with our affections and concerns. What we need to remember is that our children need us differently at different stages in their lives. It is only natural that the control we exert over them during infancy should slowly dwindle over the years, as they eventually take control over their lives. Granted they are your children, but that doesn’t mean you own their lives, does it?
As parents, we need to know when to let go and have some faith in our children. Let them make decisions, make mistakes, explore opportunities and get their fingertips burned; it’s all a part of growing up and building character.
Infancy
Right from this stage, our children are trying to establish their independence and personality. Sometimes, when we stimulate them too much, they look away. This is called gaze aversion, and it’s their way of saying, ‘Ok. Mom, that’s enough for now.’ Infants break eye contact when they feel overstimulated, says paediatrician Bill Sammons, M.D., author of I Wanna Do It Myself: From Baby to Toddler -A Radical Three-Tiered Approach to Helping Your Child Achieve Independence.
So allow your child to take control and don’t pursue her gaze until she decides she wants to look at you again.
Toddlerhood
I still remember how excited my little one was when she learned to say ‘No’. She would just go around saying ‘No’ to almost everything, and it drove me crazy for a few weeks. That’s another sign they are taking control. So what can you do?
“Toddlerhood is truly a child’s first adolescence,” says Arlene Eisenberg, co-author of What to Expect- the Toddler Years. “It’s a period when kids desperately want to separate from their parents, which is why they’re constantly insisting, ‘No!’ and ‘Me do it!’”
Embrace their resistance and let them make simple choices. It won’t kill them if they wear odd clothes or comb their hair in funny ways, will it? By allowing them to take little decisions, you are encouraging them to think for themselves and building confidence in themselves that they can do things. Let them feed themselves ( even if it means that half the food is going on the floor), don’t rush them when they’re trying to put on their socks and shoes (don’t do it for them, let them learn!), let them tell you what they want for dinner or lunch? Let them pick the toys they want to play with... you get my drift now?
The Middle Years
By this age your children can easily understand rules and how to abide by them. Rather than forcing boundaries on them for screen time, homework/study time, parties, etc., involve them in rule-making. Let them know why you are setting certain boundaries, why it’s not okay to sleep-over or why you don’t want them roaming around unaccompanied in a mall, or why you don’t want them to watch a particular movie. By communicating to them, you make them feel acknowledged and respected.
Make them understand the consequences if they break rules, too. Teach them responsibility. Let them know what their household contributions are, in terms of tidying up or making tea or setting the table. Make them accountable for what they take responsibility for. If you’ve asked them to clean up their shelves and they haven’t done it, then you should take away some privileges. Don’t let them go scot-free. Build capabilities by letting them explore, don’t take that away from them. Show them love and respect from a young age.
High School
These can be tough times for both parents and adolescents alike. These are years where you need to tread lightly. Anything you say or do could be misinterpreted in a hundred different ways. Also, this is when your child is developing into a young adult, both mentally and physically. There is a lot of pressure on them at school, and from their peers, too. They want to have it all, to be cool, popular, do well in class, and more. So,what’s your role here? Be there to always listen, guide and support. Know what’s going on in their lives. Encourage conversation, don’t be quick to judge or give your opinions. That will make them clamp down.
Also, encourage them to explore their emotions and ideas. Let them make a mistake or two and learn from it. Support them if they are having a hard time, but don’t step in and take control. Remember that in a few years they are going away to university and mummy and daddy are not going to be around every time they get a low grade or have a bad week. Let them know you love them no matter what. Understand their interests and encourage them. You need to show them that you have confidence in their decisions, and this, in turn, will boost their self-confidence.
Independence is the best gift you can give your children; making them believe that they can take care of themselves and do not need constant coddling. These children will be intrinsically motivated and will experience life more fully, and will become good decision makers. As parents have a collaborative, rather than controlling relationship with your children. Taylor’s Law of Family Responsibilities states that if family members fulfil their own responsibilities and do not assume others’, then children develop into independent people and everyone will be happy.
Farzeen Ashik is the author of the prize-winning novel ‘Rainbow Dorm Diaries-The Yellow Dorm’.
