Sunday 29 / September / 2024
When you’re at the airport, seeing your child set off to university for the very first time, there’s a bittersweet feeling in the air...
It manifests itself in many ways. To some, it may be a lump in the throat, while to others, it may be the tears that prickle your eyes, as you try to rapidly blink them away. Both parent and child know it’s an awkward moment, as they try to deflect talking about the elephant in the room by discussing everything but the subject at hand. As that final duffle bag makes its way through the aircraft that points the direction towards the next phase of your child’s life, you know that the relationship between the two of you will be forever changed. And that’s a good thing ... eventually.
But while your children jet off to a new future, you need to go back home, and for some, that can be hard. After caring for your loved ones for nearly 20 years, to come home to their empty rooms, packed full of memories, to not miss them and go about your work as you would normally do can be a struggle. For others, it could mean a sudden loss of what needs to be done next. Your child, has, after all, been the centre of most of your routine so far.
Psychologists call this inability or struggle to cope with the sudden absence of a loved one “Empty Nest Syndrome” (ENS). T Weekly spoke to Anuya Phule, a clinical psychotherapist at Al Hatat Polyclinic, in Muscat, to find out more about what this is, and what it meant to those who has to deal with it.
“ENS is a major life transition for parents,” she said. “When an adult or adolescent child leaves the nest, which parents have made with such love and care, they experience deep sadness and emptiness. Parents feel the loss of life that they had with this child, loss of their identity as a parent, loss of everyday purpose and debilitating grief. These parents go through depression, emotional distress, and identity conflict.”
“The whole emotional investment is only in that child, and when he/she leaves, there is no chance to continue the role of being a parent. There is sometimes debilitating grief and emptiness, and a total loss of identity. When the first child leaves the house, the whole dynamics of the family changes. Getting used to a dinner table without the first child, getting used to one seat empty in the car, getting used to seeing an empty room, all of these play a severe role in ENS.”
Psychological issues such as ENS, added Phule are like an iceberg – there is often far more to it than meets the eye.
“Often, parents are told by their relatives and friends to accept the change in a mature way and get over it, but this is a false idea,” she revealed. “Parents invest an enormous amount of emotional energy in rearing their children. Parents also start designing and/or structuring their lives according to the needs of the child, be it intellectual, social or financial. They evolve to be better humans for their children. With all these energies directed towards their children over the years, parents suddenly feel a loss of identity and purpose.”
“The informal dynamic with the child changes to a formal one once the child goes away, where they have to wait to be able to talk and connect,” added Phule. “Both mother and father suffer from ENS in their own way. It is felt more intensely by the parent who spends most of the time taking care of the child, which involves studies, emotional and moral support, setting the child’s routine, involving and motivating children for extracurricular activities and more. The working parent may feel regret for not having spent more time with the child.”
The reason the family dynamic is what it is, is because of the different rules and responsibilities assigned to and for each member. Alone, they are but individual instruments, but together, they are an orchestra, all working in tandem with one another. The same is true not just of parents, but of siblings who are used to having their older brother or sister alongside them.
Phule said, “When one family member leaves the nest, it changes the dynamics of the whole family. The younger child suffers distress and depression too when the older sibling leaves the nest. But it is not termed as ENS when children go through it. The departure of the older brother or sister can make the child feel lonely, depressed, or anxious. They go through the same symptoms but express them in a different way.”
“Children, after all, seek guidance and support from the older sibling,” she added. “The elder sibling is a role model; they can share things with older siblings ... secrets which can’t be told to their parents. All that is lost. The child has to transform his/her role in the family; it’s a painful process. Recovery from ENS depends on the temperament and quality of other relationships in the parent’s life. If the quality of marriage is good, it may help the parents recover faster.”
Other psychological and mental concerns that the parent might already exhibit could lead to a domino effect that only makes ENS worse. In this case, Phule advised: “If the parents are predisposed to a particular mental health issue such as depression and anxiety, chances of them developing it again are more during ENS.
The parent needs to go through the grieving process, which again takes a year or more during normal ENS. The parent is going through feelings of redundancy, worthlessness, feeling unproductive. The parent may have crying spells and may be confused, but it is important to support them through this.”
“In healthy, functional families where love, care and closeness prevail, ENS has a greater impact on parents,” she added. “A stay-at-home mom who has spent a majority of her life nurturing her child will feel a greater impact. A father who has spent most evenings and weekends taking care of kids and taking them for activities will feel the impact.” “In complicated ENS, in case parents develop clinical depression or anxiety, treatment is needed,” warned Phule. “They can approach their family doctor or a counsellor to seek help through it. Certain psychological therapies help parents develop a helpful perspective towards ENS. Give yourself time to develop new ways of connecting with your child, whether it is through the phone, video calls or meeting every few months.”
Every cloud, though — if you will pardon the hoary old expression — does have a silver lining. The lessons learned from ENS can be used to profoundly impact the way a parent leads his or her life.
“On a positive note, ENS can, in fact, be a useful developmental factor in parents’ lives,” said Phule. “It is the time to reinvest in yourself. Find meaning in life and connect with the activities, which were stalled due to family life. Many parents redirect the attention to their spouse and find joy in it. It helps revive old friendships, get in touch with old friends. Make a list of what you have missed doing as an individual and start doing it. It could be pursuing art, your career, a small business, charity volunteering; there are many avenues for parents to find for themselves.
“But for all this to start happening, firstly, parents have to slowly digest the change, revisit the past and appreciate everything they could experience with their child. Parents should take time to gradually accept the changed relationship with their children,” she added. “Don’t burden your child with guilt if he/she is not able to keep in touch with you always. He/she needs time as well to fathom the new life and to adjust.
–[email protected]
Symptoms of Empty Nest Syndrome
• Overwhelming tiredness and exhaustion
• Restlessness and unable to sit still
• Aches and pains, e.g. headaches, backache, neck pain, rib and chest pain
• Anxiety attacks
• Difficulty in breathing
• Loss of appetite
• Comfort eating
• Finding it hard to sleep or fear of sleeping
• Difficulty in concentrating
Symptoms of Depression
• Little interest or pleasure in doing things
• Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless
• Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much
• Feeling tired or having little energy
• Poor appetite or overeating
• Feeling bad about yourself, thinking you’re a failure or have let yourself or your family down
• Trouble concentrating on activities, such as reading the newspaper or watching television
• Moving or speaking so slowly that other people notice. Or, the opposite, being so fidgety or restless that you move around a lot more than usual
• Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way
