When I asked my students to talk about their moments of magic, it was then I realised I already blew up the best thing that happened to me in a long time. As they innocently stood in front of the class pouring their hearts out, I relived the horrible moments of what I feared would be the irreversible damage that was threatening to snatch away the only thing that kept me going for many months.
I also realised, as I watched them talk, I have been developing this knack of pressing an invisible destruction button when things go well for me. I had my own magical moment but the only trouble is that I stupidly resented it when great affection was professed to me very clearly and unconditionally. I lashed out with both words and actions and become very rude to the source of a dazzling light of that affection. Why? Perhaps I could not handle the good things or simply I was suspicious and questioned the motive when there was not any.
When my students finished recalling their inspirational moments, I recoiled inward and wondered if I could ever salvage the situation. That evening, I did the only thing that I always do when I am deeply troubled. I took a long walk on the beach. I wrecked my brains on how to reverse the situation as my bare feet made contact with the damp sands. I was alone out there but my shadow that followed me made a mockery of my situation. It was dark and long and floated on the shallow water like a phantom to reflect my second personality of destruction.
I stopped and looked at the reflection of the full moon on the sea. Its light was shining through the dark water to reveal the crystal sands under it. Just a week before that evening, I cruelly extinguished a shiny light that was warm, loving and full of goodness. I closed my heart instead of allowing it to flood the darkest corners of my soul.
I stayed on the beach long enough to watch the moon climb to its highest point in the heavens. I was also there long enough to hear the last roar of the waves as they rushed to the shore before the tide receded. The tranquillity of the night sea did nothing to relieve the anguish that was burning like a fiery fire inside me.
I could not sleep that night and I lay awake watching the shadows of the night grow longer behind my curtains until dawn. To say that the guilt was eating me alive would be the understatement of the year. I bitterly reminded myself all I needed to do was to bask on the glory of being loved and accept the purity of the loving gesture.
I was determined to make it right that morning. Like a seasoned actor, I rehearsed the lines perhaps ten thousand times. However, the script of reconciliation did not work and words bounced back right at me. If I could get that dazzling light back, which is now fast fading, I need to do much more. First, I need to find that destruction button and bury it deep somewhere I would never find it.
Furthermore, I need to accept affection with great humility and never question the way it is delivered. I also promise myself to be patient and prove my true worth the way it was before. The road back will be long and perhaps that will be my only chance to win back my lost moment of magic. If I want to be again the love of someone's heart, I need to do more than write a script.